


Hinata Shouyou’s Unfortunate Affirmation on the Issue of Whether Volleyball Jerseys Are Too Sexy

by big_ocean



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Humor, M/M, Translation in English, Volleyball Dorks & Nerds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-20
Updated: 2020-12-20
Packaged: 2021-03-11 01:46:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28197135
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/big_ocean/pseuds/big_ocean
Summary: Is their volleyball jersey sexy?
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 3
Kudos: 43





	Hinata Shouyou’s Unfortunate Affirmation on the Issue of Whether Volleyball Jerseys Are Too Sexy

**Author's Note:**

  * A translation of [对于排球队服是否过于性感一事，日向翔阳悲痛表示肯定](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24948946) by [youalice](https://archiveofourown.org/users/youalice/pseuds/youalice). 



> A huge thank you to youalice for creating this fic and giving me permission to translate it into English. I apologize in advance for not being able to accurately and precisely reflect the humorous tone in my translation; part of what makes this fic so funny is the word choice and some of them are just beyond my capability. This is my first time translating a fic to English, so if there's anything I can improve on, please don't hesitate to let me know. If you are able to read it in Chinese, please go and give the original author kudos!!
> 
> Original author's notes:  
> *月岛萤×山口忠 | Tsukishima Kei x Yamaguchi Tadashi  
> *我也不知道自己在写什么玩意儿的OOC | Very OOC, I don't even know what I'm writing about  
> *请以当笑话看待的心情观看 | Please read as a joke
> 
> 啊哈哈哈，我终于在language tag那里选择了English而不是中文，凡事都有第一次！  
> The word gay is thrown around a lot in this fic, but it's said with love. Please don't kill me.

“Isn’t our volleyball jersey a bit too sexy?”

These words were barely audible, but they made Hinata Shouyou swallow back the “nice one!” on the tip of his tongue in shock. Dumbfounded, he looked to the volleyball court, only to see Tanaka Ryunosuke, who was the most likely to say it out loud, still spiking hard in practice; he then looked around the gym, but no hot senpai wearing volleyball jersey was passing by. He smashed his not-so-clever head with one hand and thought, _did I really study so hard last night that I damaged my brain_? For his sanity and health in the future, perhaps he should have stuck to the old way of studying and only read everything at the very last minute.

“Tsukki blocking is so sexy…”

“……”

Okay, so he was not hallucinating. Hinata turned his head, and saw, with no surprise, Yamaguchi Tadashi staring at Tsukishima Kei on the court as usual. His fellow first-year’s eyes were filled with love and benevolence in a way that reminded Hinata of an old mother, yet whatever came out of his mouth was nothing an old mother would say – sighing, Yamaguchi said it again. “Isn’t that jersey way too sexy?!”

Just like the idiom went, Hinata took these unintentional remarks to heart. Yamaguchi would probably never realize that he’d actually said his naughty inner thoughts out loud until it’s tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, or the day after that, and even then would he have a hard time finding out. Meanwhile, Hinata was forcefully brainwashed by his sassy comments. The idea was now forever embedded in his mind and he could not let it drop.

“Sexy,” what does he mean by “sexy”? For Hinata Shouyou, a naïve and innocent little boy with neither any sexual life nor the courage to even go near the forbidden aisles of adult magazines in 7-Elevens, being so-called “sexy” meant, quite literally, feeling like “sex.” If you were to let him explain more in-depth, all he would do was blush and mumble his way out. He could not even explain it in biological terms, for he’d used physiology classes as sleeping classes so often that there was not even a single trace of scientific terminology in his entire hippocampus. In other words, in Hinata’s head, to say “their volleyball jersey was sexy” was pretty much the same as saying “their volleyball jersey was erotic lingerie.” There was no difference at all. Now Hinata really couldn’t understand what kind of marvelous ideas were there in Yamaguchi’s college preparatory level brain – what other types of erotic lingerie were there? You know, lingerie, those kind of cosplay costumes that explicitly showcased the breasts and butts with so little fabrics that they looked almost cheap, the kind that made you look naked? Hinata opened his eyes wide and shut them tight. He studied their jersey left and right, up and down, and not even until his brain was about to explode was he able to figure out how on earth their volleyball jersey was similar to erotic lingerie. He came up with nothing no matter how hard he tried, and at last decided to seek help from Kageyama Tobio, his only teammate left in the changing room beside himself.

He stared at Kageyama Tobio – Kageyama Tobio’s jersey shirt, to be exact, which the latter was just taking off. It was hot summer, and the intense practice earlier made the his shirt smell so bad that the odor blended into the air and reached Hinata from miles away. Hinata glared at the shirt. To call it a shirt was very generous, when it was in fact more like a stinking rag that hadn’t been washed for years. He drained his imagination attempting to see how that rag… that shirt could be a lingerie. Kageyama shuddered under the intense stare, and found himself finally understanding what it meant to “get a shiver down his spine”.

“Say, Kageyama…”

“What?”

“What’s the relationship between volleyball jersey and erotic lingerie?”

Kageyama jumped in surprise before he touched Hinata’s forehead with the back of his hand – Was he having a fever? No? So it seemed that the damages on the shrimp’s brain were congenital.

“Both are clothing,” he answered Hinata’s question while looking at him with blatant pity.

“Is it not that they are both very sexy?” Hinata asked.

Kageyama Tobio tossed the question back. “Why do you think volleyball jerseys are sexy?”

Hinata answered his question without a pause. “I don’t. Yamaguchi does.”

“Yamaguchi told you that he thinks volleyball jerseys are sexy?” Kageyama found it hard to believe. His knowledge of sex was just equally limited as Hinata Shouyou, and it was already freaking weird to think of volleyball jerseys as something sexy. Telling him that the docile and humble Yamaguchi Tadashi would say something as strange and flirtatious as that, was no better than telling him that Tsukishima Kei was gay and that Kageyama Tobio himself was attracted to volleyballs.

Hinata looked back to the root of his miseries. “Yamaguchi thinks that Tsukishima is sexy in his volleyball jersey.”

“Oh,” Kageyama let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding, “then I don’t think it’s the jersey. Yamaguchi probably finds Tsukishima sexy.” Good, their jersey remained innocent.

Hinata Shouyou temporarily ignored Kageyama’s lack of knowledge to the birds and the bees, and decidedly neglected the fact that they both apparently found the idea that “Yamaguchi Tadashi finds Tsukishima Kei sexy” more normal and acceptable than the idea that “Yamaguchi Tadashi finds the volleyball jersey sexy.” After thinking over what Kageyama just said, Hinata came to a shocking conclusion with his brilliant deductive reasoning skills.

“You mean…” Hinata covered his mouth in surprise, pointing at Kageyama with trembling fingers. He pulled Kageyama by his yet unbuttoned shirt lapel and dragged him down, whispering dramatically as if they were in a underground party’s secret meeting, “Yamaguchi is gay?”

Kageyama opened his mouth. He wanted to deny, but what Hinata said sounded nothing wrong so he, for a moment, could not think of anything for rebuttal.

“If Yamaguchi is gay, then it’s not the jersey’s fault. It’s just Yamaguchi being gay for Tsukishima,” Kageyama nodded. He didn’t see any logical fallacies at all in this logic-less conclusion, “unless Tsukishima, who is not gay, also thinks so.”

“So now the question is, is Yamaguchi gay or not?”

Kageyama thought about it for a moment before giving Hinata kudos for his meticulous reasoning, even though in fact he did not understand what the hell Hinata was talking about, at all. He couldn’t even remember what they were discussing in the first place. Did this really matter, though? Did it?

“By the way, Sawamura-senpai said that he would treat us to meat buns.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me earlier! Crap, I haven’t finished changing yet…”

While Hinata hurriedly put on his clothes, Kageyama Tobio looked around at the ceiling and the floor of the changing room in boredom, scratching the back of his head before he realized that his buttons were yet undone. As he worked on his shirt, he asked: “Wait, what were we talking about before?”

“Meat buns?” Hinata answered without sparing a glance at Kageyama. He had worn his pants backwards, and was now busy taking them off.

“Oh…… Right.”

It was probably not important.

If nothing else happened, this strange occurrence could have easily evaporated from Hinata and Kageyama’s memory like words written on the beach. After all, as the mere mention of “meat buns” was enough to smash the topic that they had just been intensely brainstorming on into oblivion, would anyone really expect them to pay attention to their teammates’ sexuality? It was due to the workings of destiny, then, that Hinata was able to recall this ancient topic that had already half-vanished into the void like a fart by smelling the blatant gayness in the air.

It happened at a training camp one week after that nonsensical discussion. The childhood friends duo stood closely next to each other in the same shower cubicle, their gayness splashing around the room like water. Hinata didn’t know if those two were being decidedly oblivious to their surroundings, as they were fully immersed in their own conversation and seemed completely blind to their buddha-faced teammates. The bathhouse, usually full of straight guy smells, was now bursting with gay energy. Hinata hesitated for a while before stepping into the bathhouse. Drawing a deep breath, he finally collected enough courage to step in the only empty cubicle left in the room, the one next to the childhood friends duo. He had no idea what Yamaguchi and Tsukishima were talking about; all he was able to see was Tsukishima’s unguarded smile, so handsome and charming that Hinata knew for sure that the school would be flooded with the girls’ nosebleed if he’d beamed more like that in daily life. On second thought, Hinata was actually grateful to Tsukishima for reserving his fan service smile only for Yamaguchi.

“Say… Why are you huddling in the same shower?” Hinata asked, ignoring Tsukishima’s frown. “Are you comparing your sizes?”

Hinata Shouyou was desperate. Beside this answer, he really couldn’t think of any other reason that would make two coarse 16-year-old high school boys stifle in the same cubicle when there were spare ones around, especially when they weren’t just any pair of high school boys – one of them was Tsukishima Kei, who would make you feel like a cockroach for even daring to touch his shoulder. If he had not witnessed this himself, Hinata would rather choose to believe that Kageyama Tobio was not attracted to volleyballs than believing that Tsukishima would shower with someone in the same cubicle.

Yamaguchi Tadashi smiled at Hinata with compassion. “Hinata is still too young.”

“We are of the same age?” Hinata was confused.

Tsukishima offered an explanation. “He’s calling you childish.”

“Hah?!” Caught off guard, Hinata roared at Yamaguchi who was laughing at him along with Tsukishima. “Don’t laugh, Yamaguchi!” 

Hinata was stunned. He lived in such a cruel world, a world where one would easily be attacked by some childhood friends when one was not careful enough. _Look at you two echoing each other, are you performing_ Meoto Manzai _?!_

“Why are you showering together?” 

Tsukishima and Yamaguchi looked at each other in silence. 

“Tsukki forgot his body wash.” 

Looking at Yamaguchi Tadashi’s serious expression, Hinata suddenly felt that this reason was pretty valid – no it wasn’t! 

“But is it really necessary to squeeze together?!” 

Hinata growled inwardly: _I know you two are in college prep classes, but you can’t give me a stupid answer just because I’ve got poor grades?!_

He turned to seek help from Tanaka Ryunosuke, who was showering in the cubicle across from them. “What do you say, Tanaka-senpai?” 

Tanaka Ryunosuke, who had been observing the whole conversation, was at a complete loss at the sudden mention of his name. Stammering, he finally replied to Hinata, “but I like to use soap...” 

_Has the body wash versus soap debate got anything to do with this, Tanaka-senpai?!_

Too bad that Tanaka never even heard Hinata’s heart-wrenching reply. Covering himself with his towel, he fled from the bathhouse long before Hinata managed to say anything, not even bothering to wash away the soap bubbles on his head. 

Hinata, helpless and alone, was put in a rather awkward dilemma there. The childhood friends were being extremely gay albeit trying their hardest to deny. Just as he was feeling really insignificant and isolated, his cruel and inhumane fate decided to play a prank on him once again. Karasuno’s setter Kageyama Tobio arrived late at the bathhouse right before it was about to close. He looked around the room and walked directly to Hinata, completely ignoring the spare shower left empty by Tanaka earlier. “Do you have body wash?” He asked. 

Hinata looked at him questioningly. “I do. So what?” 

“I forgot my body wash. Let me in,” he said as he, with an innocent and righteous expression, tried to open Hinata’s cubicle door. 

Tsukishima Kei, who was just smirking seconds ago, now looked at them with contempt. He smacked his lips. “Two guys showering together is so disgusting... Or is the King gay?” 

Hinata wondered if Tsukishima had any idea how much of a hypocrite he was. 

Before Kageyama could say anything, Tsukishima quickly grabbed a towel and wrapped Yamaguchi from head to toe before he put one around his own waist and dragged Yamaguchi out of the bathhouse. 

Kageyama watched the two leave, his face written with maximum confusion. Only after Tsukishima and Yamaguchi disappeared from his view did he turn to Hinata again. “Let me in.” He did not see anything wrong with it, at all. 

Hinata simply glanced at the dumbfounded Kageyama with a complex expression; he did not know what to say, yet wanted to convey, through his eyes, that he thought the setter’s brain must have been constantly malfunctioning. He quietly gathered his bath set, and gestured Kageyama to move aside. 

“Your body wash -” 

“I use soap.” 

That night, Kageyama Tobio arrived late at the bathhouse, took a cold shower in the dark without fragrant body wash, and reflected on why Hinata brought body wash with him if he liked to use soap. 

To be frank, it’s nothing new that Karasuno’s childhood friends had been acting overtly gay. However, Hinata Shouyou would not have realized how gay they were if it hadn’t been for the bullshit conversation earlier that was in fact spoken with human language yet seemed like something made up with fart. As he stood outside the court to catch a breath, he looked over to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, who were now blocking together. Right before his eyes, he saw Tsukishima slightly turning his head toward Yamaguchi and wiped the sweat on the latter’s forehead with the back of his hand almost subconsciously. His hand moved in such a smooth, natural, and effortless way, so much that the kitten captain on the other side of the net clapped in celebration and indicated sourly that he wanted the same from his own childhood friend. 

Hinata’s eyeballs were hurting. He pinched his bridge of his nose with his fingers, and asked Sugawara Koushi standing on his side. 

“Sugawara-senpai, do you think Yamaguchi is gay or our volleyball jersey is sexy?” 

Sugawara looked at the first-year. His eyes were opened wide in search for the truth of the universe, and they were so sparkly that Sugawara didn’t even need to look any closer to find them shining with the desire for knowledge. He paused and contemplated. He did not know if he should ask “is there any relationship at all between these two questions?”, sigh “it’s finally time for Hinata’s sexual awakening...”, or answer directly that “I think Tsukishima is the gay one.” After all, he really couldn’t bear to takes away the mental virginity from this precious little crow, who hadn't even been on a porn site before.

He decided to throw a safer question at Hinata first. “Which one do you prefer, Hinata? That Yamaguchi is gay or that volleyball jersey is sexy?” 

Hinata thought about it for a few seconds. “I’d like Yamaguchi to be gay, I think... The jersey is our battle suit, so there’s no way I’d let it be an erotic lingerie!” 

At this exact moment, Sugawara used half a second to decide whether he should point out “so what _is_ the relationship between these two again?” or “how is our jersey a lingerie?”. He spent the other half convincing himself that he needed to forgive Hinata for his extraordinary logic. 

“What if the gay one is Tsukishima?” 

Hinata almost jumped at Sugawara Koushi’s answer. He yelled in horror. “No way! He can't be?!” 

Startled, Sugawara thought, _c_ _rap, I didn’t think Hinata could be homophobic_. 

“If he’s gay, wouldn’t it be disastrous for Yamaguchi’s ass?” Hinata added right before Sugawara was about to say something to calm him down. 

_Ah..._

Sugawara was at a loss of words. He suddenly had no idea of the degree of Hinata’s sex knowledge – he did not expect him to know about anal sex. 

“...That’s a good point,” Sugawara wiped his tears. He was so pleased to know that Hinata was actually thinking for their teammate’s ass, “Yamaguchi’s ass would definitely be destroyed.” 

“But Hinata, you don’t need to worry about this,” Sugawara rubbed Hinata’s bright orange hair. “Being gay is an inherent attribute of childhood friends, especially in sport clubs filled with filthy guys like us. They can have this gay atmosphere even if they are straight.” 

Hinata nodded and looked at Sugawara with admiration. “I see... You know so much, Sugawara-senpai!” 

Sugawara only smiled and didn’t say a single word in return. He was glad that Hinata failed to notice him avoiding to talk about jerseys. After all, he really couldn’t understand the logic behind “volleyball jerseys are sexy so they have to be lingerie”! 

Just as Hinata Shouyou gradually forgot about all the gayness between the childhood friends, Kageyama Tobio fell sick the day after the one-week training camp in a miraculously-timely manner, as if he, as the team speculated, held off getting sick to prevent it from interrupting the training. Their captain Sawamura Daichi “suggested” that the remaining three first-years pay Kageyama a visit to “deepen their friendship and bond,” even offering to pay for their gifts. At first, Tsukishima had refused to visit Kageyama, saying how “it wasn’t a matter of money…”. He gave in and agreed to go together later, however, as “Yamaguchi was too annoying.”

Hinata: “We’re just paying Kageyama a visit. It’ll be fine even if we came naked…”

Tsukishima: “No, that would be seriously problematic.”

Kageyama: “What? _Cough cough_. Is, _cough_ , Yamaguchi naked? Why doesn’t he look naked to me? _Cough_. I can’t believe I’m this ill…”

Hinata touched his chin in confusion. He looked at Yamaguchi, who was wearing the black Karasuno volleyball club’s jacket and pants today. “Speaking of which, I never knew that you liked our school uniform this much, Yamaguchi…”

Yamaguchi appeared a little embarrassed at Hinata’s question. Scratching his face, he answered. “I’m only wearing this because my mom washed all of my clothes… I had to look really hard to even find these.”

“Then why don’t you, Tsukishima, lend Yamaguchi some clothes? Didn’t you come together? You guys don’t live that far from each other, so it wouldn’t hurt to change at Tsukishima’s place first, right?”

Yamaguchi appeared agitated before Tsukishima could say anything in return to Hinata’s suggestion. He blushed furiously, waving his hands and shaking his head. “That’s a – We can’t – How can you suggest –” If only he could realize how much of an idiot he looked, beaming and saying no to Hinata at the same time.

Looking at Yamaguchi’s stupid face with apparently faked reluctance, Hinata vaguely felt like remembering something. Kageyama Tobio, entirely neglecting the awkward atmosphere in the room, took this chance to sit up from his bed despite being ill to say something more awkward and stupid. “What? Are you the kind of people who hate boyfriend shirts, Yamaguchi?”

Hinata punched him back in bed. “Shut up, patient.”

As Hinata and Kageyama began arguing again, Tsukishima murmured quietly. “We’re not boyfriends though.”

Hinata didn’t know if it was his imagination, but Tsukishima almost sounded sorry when he said that – shit, now he remembered, weren’t they talking about who it was between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi that was gay? This debate bothered Hinata so much, that he woke Kageyama already on the verge of sleep up again while Tsukishima went downstairs for water and Yamaguchi went to the bathroom.

Kageyama, semi-consciously, yawned and asked, “I thought we were discussing if it is that Yamaguchi is gay or that the jersey is sexy… Am I remembering it wrong?”

“Then you tell me, is Yamaguchi gay, Tsukishima gay, or the jersey sexy?”

“…I don’t know.” Kageyama shook his head. All he wanted to do was go to sleep.

“However…”He added as if something came to his mind, “They act gay around each other all the time. I just don’t understand; if Yamaguchi is gay, why does he refuse to wipe my sweat for me when I ask him to, but happily does it for Tsukishima?”

“Isn’t it because he is gay but doesn’t like you?” Hinata pointed out.

“Why can’t Tsukishima be gay?” Kageyama remained unconvinced, “so what if they are gay? Is it going to affect them playing volleyball?”

“If Yamaguchi is gay, it probably won’t. If Tsukishima is gay though, it will probably affect Yamaguchi.” Hinata answered Kageyama’s question with a straight face, explaining how Yamaguchi’s ass might become the most miserable ass in the entire school.

Volleyball maniac Kageyama could no longer sleep at Hinata’s words. _If it’s going to affect them playing volleyball,_ he thought, _as Karasuno’s setter, he is going to be the first to object!_

So he said, “then I don’t want Tsukishima to be gay. Yamaguchi can be gay on his own.”

“If Yamaguchi is gay, would you say that our volleyball jersey is not sexy?”

Kageyama Tobio thought about it for a moment. _It is great; Yamaguchi being gay does not affect their volleyball performance, nor will it indicate that they are wearing erotic lingerie to play volleyball every day._ It was a perfect solution. He had to be the first to agree. 

Everything was clear to Hinata now. The world’s hardest problem, “The Dilemma of Sexy Jerseys and TsukiYama’s Gay,” was finally solved after two weeks. He was so happy about it, that he didn’t mind practicing the freak attack 500 times in Kageyama’s room – Kageyama himself minded very much, though.

Kageyama rolled his eyes at Hinata. _Great_ , he thought, _now I can finally go to sleep_. He stroked his blanket and waved his hand at Hinata, telling him to leave him alone to sleep. “You can go see why Tsukishima and Yamaguchi are not back yet.”

“Sure!”

Hinata jumped up. He hummed his way downstairs to find Tsukishima, recalling how he utilized his ingenious brainpower to save their “battle suit” – volleyball jersey from bearing a bad reputation. Just as he was walking down the stairs and into the kitchen, however, he heard Yamaguchi saying “Tsukki, you can’t…” as if his ass was about to hurt. Hinata, who had not even stepped a toe onto the staircase to adulthood, poked his head out into the kitchen curiously. Right in front of his eyes, he saw Tsukishima pressing Yamaguchi against the kitchen sink. He unzipped Yamaguchi’s sports jacket, reaching into the No.11 volleyball jersey Yamaguchi was wearing.

Tsukishima whispered in Yamaguchi’s burning ears with his so-called “voice that gives people an ear orgasm”. “Who are you trying to seduce dressing this sexy, huh, Yamaguchi?”

Hinata Shouyou’s eyes went dizzy and he gripped his heart in agony. He decided to go upstairs at once to wake Kageyama up, and tell him that volleyball jerseys are indeed sexy.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!


End file.
